Chris on Discipline

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Question: How do I curb a two-year-old's hitting?

Answer:   I hate to tell you that it's very normal behavior for a two year old and nothing to worry about, but it is, so don't worry.   Two year olds don't really know how to share very well and have no concept of ownership or time.  If they've touched it and were playing with it, ever, it's theirs.  You can't convince them of anything else for a few more months.

If it only happens at day care, there's nothing you can do, it's up to the provider, but if it happens on your watch, then you can take action.  I see it a lot in the group setting and the technique that works the best is to be very sneaky and vigilant.   Don't let him know that you're watching him with an eagle eye and then hope it happens.   Be quick like lightening and grab his arm, gently, but firmly, just as he's winding up for the swing.   If you grab him roughly, you just reinforce that violence is an effective tool.   If you grab him too soon it's not very effective and if it's too late you don't have the element of surprise, since by now he KNOWS he's going to get scolded once it's over.   But if you can catch the arm in the arc of the swing, it's great.

Then hold his arm and scold him very serious and stern and with an angry look on your face, but with a quiet voice.   With small children, most of our communication is non-verbal, so you must convey as much as you can with looks and tone of voice.   I would think that the message you want to give him is that because you love him so much you will not tolerate this kind of behavior from him.   You want him to know that it's very serious, and that you don't like this one bit.   Tell him you won't let anyone hit him and you won't let him hit anyone else.   Keep it short, or you'll lose him.  And tell him if he hits again he's going to take a time out.   Then just keep a watch.   Try to catch him in the act every time, and though 2 seems a little young to take a time out there really has to be zero tolerance for violent acts.   The rule of thumb is a minute for every year old that they are, so set a timer for 2 minutes and make him sit.   If he throws a big fit and won't take a time out then you have to sit with him, but be stern, and don't pay any attention to his fit.

If you take away one coping method, you have to start teaching him another one, before the hitting starts.   First, teach him to use 'gentle hands' with his friends.  Model gentle hands when asking for and taking things away from him.   Show him how to ask for things by holding out his hand, not by grabbing. Of course, with other children, this will usually result in refusal to share, which is their right.  And there is the problem of interfering too much so that the poor children never learn to work out any social skills on their own.   So in the end, we still have to address the natural instinct to force our will on others!

If you keep this up consistently, without making a federal case of it every time it happens, but just be stern, serious and let him know that you're not happy with this behavior, then he'll work out of it quickly as he gets older.   It takes patience, but it's worth it and good practice for when the challenges get harder for both of you.   At any age, getting caught in the act is most effective!

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Question: Should a parent restrict their three-year-old from playing at the house of a neighbor child who is allowed to play with toy guns and other violent games?

You can make one neighbor's house off-limits, but what are you going to do with the rest of the world?  Like it or not, guns and violence are a part of human life on this planet, and play is how children make sense of this world.   There is a huge difference between acting violent and being violent.  To forbid your child to act out a part of real life in play denies him the ability to learn about it for himself.   It also will make it much more attractive; think Eve and the forbidden fruit.

Before you try to assert control over your child's behavior, think through your own position on this issue.  Really meditate on guns, killing, violence and all aspects of those topics.   Realize that they are neither good nor bad; they are parts of life that are sometimes appropriate and sometimes inappropriate.   For example: I grew up in a family where hunting and fishing were appreciated and respected.   Fresh wild game is one of the healthiest meats we can eat, and guns were always in our house.  Most animals kill other beings to eat; even cows and bunnies eat bugs mixed in with their grass.   These are instances where guns and killing are appropriate.

There is also great value in letting a child develop the 'warrior' aspects of their personality.  They know that if their Mommy or Daddy were threatened that they would want to rescue them and would be willing to fight to do it.   They will have many dragons in this world to conquer and they can sense this from watching us in our daily struggles. They must train for these very real possibilities.  In their more archetypal world, they start to practice the courage and spirit needed for these adult battles by play acting simple, primitive battles with 'bad guys' or 'robbers' or 'monsters.'   It also can give them a sense of power in a world where they are quite powerless, which can help them in their everyday life.

Once you realize that violence and playing about violence have a place in your life, like it or not, you can then establish some realistic boundaries that you feel you can live with as a parent. These will be very personal and may change over time, as you and your children grow and change.   Two limits that I place on the children in the day care are:

• No toy weapons.   This way they will invent weapons out of fingers or sticks or other toys; stretching their imaginations. I suggest that if you do choose to buy your children weapons that they be of the most simple, homemade type.
• No weapon play in the house. It tends to be too rowdy for our enclosed spaces. I tell the children that grown-ups don't shoot their guns or bows and arrows in the house and neither do we. Here in northern Michigan, many of the children come from families of hunters, so they can understand this. If they're playing to be super heroes etc, the logic still holds.

If after really thinking through your own apprehensions about playing with the neighbor, you still decide to make their house off-limits, I would strongly suggest that you still invite the child to your house so that your little boy doesn't lose a friend because of your philosophical beliefs.  It's a dangerous precedent to set, as you will have many more of these moral conflicts in your career as a parent.  Parenting is a marathon, not a short sprint.   You must choose YOUR battles carefully.

Question:Should we cut out naps so that our preschooler is more tired at night?   She is having a very hard time going to sleep and will fiddle around for hours at bedtime.

Cutting out naps is the worst thing you can do, even though it seems logical.   Trust me, exhausting your child will seriously undermine her health and is not the answer to your restless nights.   On the contrary, a calm, rested child will go more calmly to bed and calmly to sleep.   At the end of the day it is very evident here which children have napped well; they have a peaceful countenance as opposed to their tired playmates who have a more frenetic, fragile energy.

So then, if sleep deprivation isn't the key to a peaceful bedtime, what is?

You have the first key, which is putting her to bed at the same time every night.   Children thrive on consistency and she needs to be able to count on you to keep her world reliable so she can test the boundaries, kick the tires and find them solid and strong.   To make bedtime even more reliable you need to have a consistent routine leading up to it.   If the time after dinner is peaceful and predictable, it will go a long way toward teaching her to 'wind down' before bed.   Each family has to figure out how to do this for themselves, but some easy tricks are:

• no sugary treats in the evening
• no caffeine at any time during the day (it has a 'second life' a few hours after ingestion)
• a warm bath with lots of time for water play
• get the pajamas on about an hour before bedtime
• no rowdy play after the jammies are on
• no television or computer at least one hour before bedtime (the backlit screen overstimulates little children's brain synapses)
• some peaceful cuddling and a soothing story or book just before bed

If other people in the household insist on keeping the television on or eating ice cream in the evening in front of the child then your best efforts are undermined and you'll have to do what you can to either get other members of the family on board or create a soothing bedtime routine in spite of their preferences.   Maybe take the child to her room and read there in a rocking chair before putting her to bed.

Speaking of her bedroom, it should be a quiet soothing place.   There should be no television, computer or any other stimulating appliances or toys on display.   The artwork should be conducive to restfulness, so it's obvious this is a place to sleep.   One parent complained that their child had consistent difficulties in sleeping regardless of following all advice, and they were sure that the problem was some disorder with the child.  A home visit revealed a poster of a tyrannosaurus rex above the child's bed!   Even though he loved dinosaurs, this was not an appropriate place to display one!   Little boys especially are subjected to stimulating motifs in their bedrooms (race cars, trains, wild animals.)   Please redecorate until they've mastered the skill of getting to sleep by themselves.

The human being is a hard worker and preschoolers will continue to do their work of trying to figure out the adult world right up until their eyes slam shut.  Your child will conduct extensive research on how many times she is permitted to get a drink of water, how long she is permitted to keep the light on, how loud she is permitted to talk, etc., etc., etc.   Children won't trust that the rules of yesterday are the same as the rules of today, since they have already found that boundaries change as they get older.   Who knows?   Maybe today is the lucky day that the rules have changed!   They won't know unless they try.

It's your job to keep the world secure, safe, predictable and sane as long as you can for your child.   Let her know what the rules are when you tuck her in with as few words as possible.   For example: "Now it's time to stay in bed.   You must lay down, you may read your book but there is no talking now."  Of course, if you or any other adult has recently proven to be wishy washy, she will not trust that you mean it.   Don't take it personally.   Just calmly and quietly stick to your guns.  This often takes all the energy you have left at the end of a long day, but it will pay off in the weeks and years to come.   Yelling or being rough is completely counter-productive.   My daughters learned that the quieter my voice got, the more I meant business and it was a very handy lesson for them, not only at bedtime but in public places or while visiting.

It's often necessary to sit right in the room with some children until they nod off.   This keeps them from popping up out of bed, so their bodies start to rest and slowly learn to fall asleep.   If you do this, it works best if you have something very boring that you occupy yourself with, so that the child is not your focus of attention.  Model yourself after the old woman knitting in the book Goodnight Moon that only says "hush."   Read a book, do some handwork, write in your journal by a soft light.   If the child tries to talk to you, only tell them "hush, no talking now."   If they try to pop up, just put them back, then quit looking at them and return to your work.   DO NOT reward them with extra conversation or attention.   It will irritate them at first, but eventually they will settle down and fall asleep.

Of course some children are stimulated just by your presence in the room, so you must sit just outside the door.   If they can see some part of your body, like your foot, they'll know that you're near.   They might still try to sneak out of bed but once they find out that they are foiled the minute they sit up, they'll eventually give up.

A 'secret weapon' I sometimes use is a music box.   When a child is particularly antsy, the repetitive song that gets slower and slower seems to help them also slow down and unwind.   It's important that the music box is the kind that winds up by hand, not an electric one.   I just keep silently rewinding it until they seem to enter into a quieter phase of rest.   Of course if you see that it's just working to stimulate them, then don't rewind it.

Children who are learning to use the toilet present a special problem because they learn that saying they have to go potty means they are released from the bed.   However, they eventually find that all they are allowed to do is go sit on the potty and then straight back under the covers, so it will wear itself out.   Of course you'll also know that after two or three times it's perfectly reasonable for you to deny them any more trips since their tank is empty; unless they've eaten a lot of watermelon that day!

Whenever you try to impose your will on a family member, especially if it's a change that requires them to give up power and control, you're bound to meet with resistance.   We cannot expect that a toddler will be able to curb their belligerence; be prepared to turn a deaf ear to some very convincing and heart rending protests!   But please understand that when a child uses tears to manipulate you, they are not comforted to learn that it works.   On the contrary, you will create a very insecure child who has found that her parents are wimps!   This poor soul will increasingly feel that they must order Mommy and Daddy around since the parents are obviously not the ones with authority in the family.

Though I know that there are child development 'experts' who will disagree with me, I will stand by my advice that there is nothing wrong with allowing a child to protest loudly and tearfully for as long as they want.   We all have a right to be sad in this world and if you deny your child their grief and sorrow, expecting them always to be happy and peaceful then you do them a great disservice.   I know that this is MOST uncomfortable for parents and that it takes great stamina to see your child angry and disappointed because of a decision you have made, even if it's for their own good.   Get used to it.   Parenting is not a popularity contest.   Do make sure they are not in real pain, with their foot stuck in the rails of the bed or falling half in or half out.   But if all's well, then let them cry.   Striking bargains to get them to stop making a fuss just teaches them that being loud and obnoxious is how to get their way, and we all know and loathe children, teenagers and adults who have been raised to believe this.