Chris on Time Management

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Question: Should I change my work schedule to four full days instead of five part time days to give me time alone with my toddler if it means that my older kids will have to spend three additional days in latchkey?

Answer:   Boy, time management and the five day work week.   You sure know how to get to the heart of the working parent's problem, don't you?   This is a fairly recent phenomenon in our society and Americans are unique in their long work weeks with little or no paid leave from that work.   The economic /feminist revolution forgot the people who raise children and now as the economy is squeezing the middle and working classes to work for less and less pay proportionately, time that parents can spend with children is a precious commodity which must be weighed, scheduled and a value placed on it, as you're finding out.

You are one of the lucky ones who have a luxury most parents don't, a reduced schedule with the potential to have that perfect work week.   I bet you have some notion it would be doable at work, or you wouldn't be pondering it, and most daycare situations will gladly allow a small change like the one you're contemplating.   So this isn't just a pipe dream but a very real, happy problem that you have.   In my opinion we'd all be better off working four longer days and having three days off in a row every week.   It's not as if we aren't working on those days away from our "profession."   We're tending to all the work that needs to be done at home for ourselves and for our families.   I would wager that any Mom who has that schedule is a much better Mom just because she is working saner hours.   And while toddlers really thrive when they can form relationships and work through social challenges with peers on a regular basis, the five day work week is hard on them too.

However, having said all that, my first impulse is the same as yours; get those kids home after school.   Unless your home is abusive or a meth lab, the less time spent in latch-key the better.   School kids are under an amazing amount of pressure from the moment they get out of bed in the morning until they cross the threshold of home sweet home.   Even then, as they get older, they have at least another hour with their nose to the homework grindstone, not to mention the after school activities which are supposed to be fun but often end up subjecting them to more expectations to perform.   This pressure often bubbles up to the surface as emotional or physical problems now or later in life.   Where does childhood fit into this schedule?  

I know many latch-key programs try to have a relaxed atmosphere and allow the kids to get their homework done or do some stress relieving activities, but frankly, it's the same as if when work was done you stayed at the office to do more work or partake in a "fun" activity with your fellow employees.   Not really the same as going home, kicking off the shoes, pouring your favorite beverage and being in a safe place, is it?   When I have latch-key kids in my daycare, after school they often want to just lay on the living room floor and play with the babies.   Some parents think that's a waste of time for older kids, but I think their instincts know they need to just rest and have some simple, non-verbal human contact.   Coming to a place like mine is the closest thing to going home after school and if your latch-key arrangement is a home, then perhaps it might make sense to leave them there more often.   But my gut feeling is that if you can give them Mom and their own back yard, then do it.   Kids in school are very vulnerable and need a lot of nurturing, especially in these times of unprecedented academic expectations and high-speed social lives.

So, how can we have it all; give Mom a sane work schedule, some quality time with the toddler and get the school kids home as soon as possible?   Of course I don't have an answer for you.   Instead I have some questions that only you can answer and maybe you've already asked yourself, but to me they seem to hold the key to solving your dilemma.

Assuming that you change your schedule:

• When will you do your errands and make your doctor/dentist/etc appointments?   While I consider it essential to include children of all ages in the household chores, running around town in a car is a different matter.   If you spend your free day with the toddler strapped in the car seat, you're not accomplishing your goal and doing the little one a disservice.
• Can you arrange for some after school care for the older children that is not institutional?   Is there a friend that you can barter with to take them, a home day care they can go to, or can you arrange for a child care provider to come to your home after school for a couple of hours until an adult gets there?   There are many responsible high school and college students, Grandmothers and stay-at-home Moms looking for a few extra dollars that would be happy to come to your home to get the kids off the bus and supervise them for you.   Maybe they'd even get dinner started!

Alternatively, if you keep your present schedule;

• Is there another adult who can help you arrange your weekend so you can have the quality time with your toddler that you want now?   Perhaps there's another parent, neighbor or, again, someone you can hire, who could care for the older children while you focus on the little one?  
• I am curious why you feel you want to spend more time alone with the toddler but not with each of the older children?   If you have made arrangements that give you some quality, alone time with them, can you make similar arrangements to extend to the younger child?   If it's because the older children don't seem to need you as much that's certainly a valid feeling.   Those of us with older children know that as they find their independence we need to take a quiet back seat.   Is there some way that you can creatively find this balance between giving the older children their solitude and gleaning more time with your baby?

It seems to me that when there are three children in a family it's hard for a parent to feel they spend enough time with each of them without the help of another adult.   In the two-parent family this is often accomplished by some sort of 'tag team' arrangement; they work out a regular schedule where one parent takes two kids so the other can have time with one.   For single parents this means you have to get busy and find some support; family, friends, play group, church, Big Brother or Big Sisters.   Even families with multiple parents may need to call in reinforcements when grueling work schedules prohibit family time.   In every family as the children grow and needs change the parent(s) must regularly reassess the needs of everyone.   Since a family is a delicately balanced ecosystem, in this case if you change your work schedule you also need to tweak some of the other components which may mean acquiring new "support staff" or asking the existing people to do new tasks.

In the end, there is no wrong answer; whatever you choose will have pros and cons, so it's important to pick what you will be able to live with most comfortably in your heart.   I applaud you for struggling with this question and sincerely trying to do what is best for you and your family.   Though children can't understand our adult challenges and how they tax us, they intuitively sense our spirit as it wrestles and grows.   When we set this kind of example for our children it teaches them to struggle with these harder questions too and to become more thoughtful, ethical people.   This example of a heartfelt struggle to grow and do good is more valuable and important to your children than your decision.   Bravo!