Chris on Play

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Rough Play

Little children need to play rough and will try it out on each other, like puppies, kittens, bears and children of other species.   They have no idea of their own strength or of how they end up hurting each other, nor do they have any idea of how to modulate their actions, muscles and intentions to keep the play safe.   It's extremely beneficial for them to be able to 'rough house' safely with grown ups.   This accomplishes several things.   First they can 'get it out of their system' with someone safe; someone whom they cannot hurt and who will not hurt them.   Secondly, they can feel physically and not be told intellectually how a grown up will be rowdy and gentle all at the same time (assuming the grown up is mature enough to play gently!)   It's especially important for little boys to feel how a grown up man with those hard tough muscles can be gentle and controlled and still full of energy.

It's essential if the child hurts the grown up that you realize it was unintentional.   Even if they seem to be attacking you, they are merely testing to see if this particular action does indeed hurt.  They aren't sure it will and can only find out by testing.   When hurt, please don't become angry or over react.   Be purely hurt, not accusatory or indignant.   Stop the play immediately, so that there is no more fun and your inury is honored, just as you should do if the child is hurt.  Don't be a big baby about it, but just say that they accidentally hurt you and you need to see how bad it is and rest your hurt a little.  Maybe you don't feel like playing such a rough game anymore since you got hurt.   Maybe after a minute you'll feel like playing again.   This models behavior for them that they can internalize and carry into their life in many ways.

It is VERY important not to put the child in a helpless position that they cannot get out of.   Tickling does this when carried out for longer than a second or two.   The child cannot gather themselves to say stop and it quickly becomes a form of torture and invasive touching.   Large lifting movements can have the same effect; upside down games, throwing in the air, passing children from one adult to another in precarious positions all can render a child unable to speak and say stop!   It's important that the child, the weaker member of the play team, always have control of the intensity of play and that their 'time outs' and limits are honored immediately and without any negative or condescending repercussions, just as you would honor an adult playmate who called a stop to your tennis game or rock climbing expedition.   When your child says stop all play should cease immediately, just as you would wish them to do when you say stop. Stop and don't are sacred words.

Also important is to have a definite beginning and end to the play so the child is clear when the rough behavior is and is not acceptable.   A nice way to do this is to ask permission to play rowdy at the beginning and then decide on what word you'll use when you want a break. When you're tired and declare the game over, rest a bit and then take the child into another activity like snuggling with a book, if they still want some closeness, or something peaceful and rhythmic beside you if they've had enough of touching.